Damn You Jose Cuervo!
by Misery Monkie
Summary: James Potter was only kidding when he told his father to buy some Muggle liquior. Now his night is full of yelling out names, peeing on lawns, baragining with sister's, and trying to take care of his broom "Stacy". Poor poor James!


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Damn You Jose Cuervo!

I was only kidding when I said, "Hey Dad, buy some Muggle liquor!" He didn't think I was joking when I said that. He bought the cheap Muggle liquor from a store that sells Muggle items. 

He told me, "I'll drink tonight when I watch the game!"

Dad bought a Muggle television a couple weeks ago and charmed it so he'll never miss the Chudley Canons. Uncle Ron sure loves them. Mum's been telling us kids that Uncle Ron would never lose faith in them.

*looks around* Between you and me.. Uncle Ron needs mental help. That's what Aunt Hermione's been telling us when Uncle Ron isn't looking, or listening.

Oh! *hits forehead* Back to my story……

It was Saturday morning, about 10 a.m., when I told Dad to buy the liquor. Mum told me to watch him because she didn't want to be stuck baby-sitting him.

I should have told Lily to watch him!

I was minding my business polishing my Firebolt 3000; a present Dad bought for making the Gryffindor team (**_GO GRYFFS_**!), when he stumbled in my room. "Hullo Son!" He giggled and sat down on my chair — err — tried to sit down. He fell —TWICE — on the floor. He giggled and tried a third time. Finally, after sitting down he pointed to my broom and said, "Playing with the old girl, huh?"

I stopped what I was doing and looked at my father weirdly. "Umm.. yeah…" Then I wished I had locked that damn door! What was in that Muggle liquor? Dumb-ass ingredients?

"I remember when I was playing with my girl… Your Mum was a fiery thing!" I did not want to hear this!

"DAD!!!" He stopped to the part where her skin was smooth like silk and tasted like strawberries. I think later when Dad has gone that I need to Obliviate myself. I should change the subject… "You're going to miss the Chudley's game." Please, please, please go!

"Yes! The Chudley's! Good thinking son!" He stood up too fast, and ended up back on the floor. Is he drooling?… I just charmed it clean! Ugh, I'm going to have to use that Muggle liquid, what's it called? Oh.. ugh.. Bleach? Yes, bleach. I have to bleach my room clean of drool.

"Do you need help Dad?" I kneeled beside him and helped him up any way. Harry Potter hates asking for help, well, part of the time. He always asked Aunt Hermione for her homework at Hogwarts.

After I dragged father from my room to his, I turned on the television, which Uncle Ron calls Fellyvision, don't ask why, and tuned in Wizard's Quidditch Channel, I slapped Dad across the face. "Wake up Dad. Quidditch is on," I heard him mumble thanks and I went back to my beautiful broom.

She does need extra attention!

— — — — — — — — —

"_James Christopher Alan Brian Matthew Edward Fredrik Neo Kurt Potter_!" Uh oh… When Mum uses my full name, she must be angry about something. What did I do? "Don't make me call you again!"

Why did they have to name me all those names? At least I have only nine names. Poor Lily has twelve. Well, I left my precious broom, to which I named "Stacy", and went downstairs to the kitchen. "Yes Mum?"

"Didn't I tell you to watch your Father?" Why is the vein on her forehead threatening to burst? I'm too scared to really look into her eyes. She looks just like Grand Mum when Uncles Fred and George gave Lily and I canary creams. Boy, was GrandMum flying off the roof!

Therefore, I did the next best thing. I stared at Mum's red hair. "Um, yes ma'am… you did.." I gulped because that vein just got bigger.

"Then explain why your father is peeing outside on the lawn!!" What? Huh? But I left him upstairs in his room?… How did he escape?….

"Oh.. well… umm…"

"Don't 'oh well umm' me! Go outside and get him! Make sure he doesn't mess up my kitchen floor!" With that, Mum left the kitchen with smoke trailing behind her. If she blew out steam like that, I had better not make another mistake.

— — — — — — — — —

I didn't come out soon enough. The garden gnomes were dancing around the wet grass. They'll be sorry. "Hey Dad!" He turned and damn, I didn't need to see it!

"Ah! James! Glad you're here!" He laughed and fell on the grass, in his own piss. Merlin, How Mum is going to kill me. I'd better start writing down my will… Cousin Drake can have my broom; Uncle Percy could have my books. Hmm, Lily could have Fish, my owl… "Son, watch this!"

Oh no! Not the roses! Ugh.. He peed on the roses. Damn it all to hell!

— — — — — — — — —

After I dragged Dad close to the outside porch of the kitchen, I called Lily. "WHAT!"

I smirk at this. "Lillian Margaret Marie Harriet Brianna Victoria Elizabeth Diana Alexandra Janet Jean Lynn Potter!" Oh, how sweet this was!

"Not the names! I'm coming!" I heard her loud feet jumping down the stairs and rush to the kitchen. "What?!" Then she saw Dad. "Is he drooling on Mum's kitchen?"

I looked down and yes, Dad was drooling again. "Yes, now help me move him to the living room?" Why is she grinning like that? Oh.. No… not the smirk! Has she made friends with Luciana Narcissa Patricia Helen Jac — Oh hell with the names! — Malfoy? I don't like that smirk… It's very Slytherin like. Damn her for being a Slytherin!

"What do I get out of it?" Not the bribes…

I sighed, "You can ride Stacy for a week." There I did it!

"Two weeks and it's a deal." Damn her again.

"Fine…" She smiled sweetly and took a hold of Dad's arms while I had his feet. Together we took him over to the couch in the living room. He slept there all night, drool, and all.

In the morning, Mum grounded me for two weeks. Dad had a headache, but not a big one. Lily was smug all day and through the two weeks, she had Stacy.

*fist in the air* Damn you Jose Cuervo!!!!!

****

THE END


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